A few ideas and practices from the book Polysecure by Jessica Fern

Polysecure is a ook written by Jessica Fern. It shows how to have secure attachment-based relationships with multiple partners, and draws on attachment theory and trauma for this. Whether polyamorous or not, I find this book contains valuable insights and advice for any romantic relationship.


Read attachment theory and boundaries are connection and protection. The book also explores the various levels in which trauma (and also attachment) occurs, from the societal to the personal. It also provides an overview of consensual nonmonogamy relationships.

Interesting questions to explore:

About attachment theory:

  1. Are you high or low avoidant? (positive: need for autonomy)
  2. Are you high or low anxious? (positive: need for connection)
  3. This combines into one of the four attachment styles: secure (low/low), fearful (high/high), preoccupied (high anxious) and dismissive (high avoidant). Which are you?
  4. How do different triggers and situations draw out various attachment styles?

About boundaries, which serve for both connection and protection:

  1. Where do you have porous boundaries, in which you over-receive? Risking fusion
  2. Where do you over-give? Risking fusion. (e.g. fixing, helping, over-responsible, etc)
  3. Where do you have rigid boundaries, in which you block receiving? Risking isolation.
  4. And where you block giving?

Practice: Commitment, Secure base & Safe haven

Starts with deciding if you want a attachment-based relationship, which asks commitment (to stay in exploration, invest, longetivity). Examples to show commitment are sharing intimate details such as hopes, dreams and fears, being vulnerable, helping out, having regular time together, making the person a priority, being available when sick or in need, collaborating, frequent communication, offering physical, logistical and emotional support. Or, in other words, being a secure base and a safe haven.

Practice: Hearts

  • H - Here; being here and present with me
  • E - Expressed delight; appreciation and grateful, articulate the ways in which somebody is special or valuable; attachment gaze;
  • A - Attunement; resonance, curiosity, understanding their feelings and needs; feeling understood
  • R - Rituals & Routines; goodbye & reunite,
  • T - Turn towards after conflict; rupture and repair; genuine repair is more important than skilful repair, than problem-solving the rupture (Gottman)
  • S - Secure attachment with oneself; being your own secure base and safe haven.

S is HEART yourself:

  • Here with yourself;
  • Express delight at yourself;
  • Attune to yourself;
  • Rituals & Routines to align with your own rhytms and flow
  • Turn towards yourself after inner conflict: Trigger management, dealing with inner critic, escapism, etc.